she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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