atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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