dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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