i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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