Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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