i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
