So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
