I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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