idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
