smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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