wat bout pragnant strippers??
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
