Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
