if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
