This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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