just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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