pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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