went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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