genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
