I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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