i need an iv and a liver transplant
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
