worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
