There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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