ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
