I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
