mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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