I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
