So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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