he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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