I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
