He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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