I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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