Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
