Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
