Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
