If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
