I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I love having hate sex.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
