then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
