Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
