you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
