We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
