i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
