Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
