MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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