he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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