Define "chronic" masturbator.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You made out with two different species that night
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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