Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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