This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Girls should come with a carfax report
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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