You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
