I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
