I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
did i walk over a car last night?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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