I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize