mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
