my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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