Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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