Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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