i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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