; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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