I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
