2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
