If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
