Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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