Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
